Today has been an interesting day.. just really a day of rush rush rush... attempting to meet work deadlines and just trying to be present and get it done..in my life.. Gay Pride is approaching and I'm attempting to decide if I want to remain in Atlanta for the festivities or accompany BFF on a jaunt out of the country.. Who knows.. but while attempting to address all these thoughts, I realized that...ooop! I have been single for..A YEAR... my solo anniversary actually was a few weeks ago and she slipped right on by me... I have to say that this one certainly hit me like a ton of bricks.. I mean... I had to realize that I have not been in this entire year, ever short of men that either wanted to spend time with me or even date me seriously...but there has been this.. thing inside me that has prevented me from ever accepting any mans advances.. when they approach and attempt to tread beyond a certain point.. for lack of a better term... i simply turn COLD.. I had a guy that has been trying to get "in" for awhile, to tell me that i..."SCARE HIM" WOW...I had to do a double take when I heard this assessment. When i questioned him as to how or in what nature I frighten him..... he said that I was such a "challenge" that I intimidated him...I simply laughed.. then i examined the statement and I believe that having been on my own for this long, it has hardened me.. to the point that I'm so independent,that I will never allow myself to be dominated by a man or allow him to become my focus again..this might be a good thing or a bad thing.. its still too soon for me to tell. I say that this veneer..this armour... this hardened shell might be a liability because in order to fall in love with any man there is a certain degree of submission,supplication,subservience that is necessary in order to fall in love with any man.. He is going to want you to be soft enough to at least touch.. soft enough that he is able to melt into you and become a part of your life.. i cant even bear to have a man in my house over night..how for the love of God am i going to be able to allow ANY man to come into my universe? Have i become to self reliant and strong willed?
27 August 2009
1 into 2 won't go...JaYLuV goes...SOLO
Today has been an interesting day.. just really a day of rush rush rush... attempting to meet work deadlines and just trying to be present and get it done..in my life.. Gay Pride is approaching and I'm attempting to decide if I want to remain in Atlanta for the festivities or accompany BFF on a jaunt out of the country.. Who knows.. but while attempting to address all these thoughts, I realized that...ooop! I have been single for..A YEAR... my solo anniversary actually was a few weeks ago and she slipped right on by me... I have to say that this one certainly hit me like a ton of bricks.. I mean... I had to realize that I have not been in this entire year, ever short of men that either wanted to spend time with me or even date me seriously...but there has been this.. thing inside me that has prevented me from ever accepting any mans advances.. when they approach and attempt to tread beyond a certain point.. for lack of a better term... i simply turn COLD.. I had a guy that has been trying to get "in" for awhile, to tell me that i..."SCARE HIM" WOW...I had to do a double take when I heard this assessment. When i questioned him as to how or in what nature I frighten him..... he said that I was such a "challenge" that I intimidated him...I simply laughed.. then i examined the statement and I believe that having been on my own for this long, it has hardened me.. to the point that I'm so independent,that I will never allow myself to be dominated by a man or allow him to become my focus again..this might be a good thing or a bad thing.. its still too soon for me to tell. I say that this veneer..this armour... this hardened shell might be a liability because in order to fall in love with any man there is a certain degree of submission,supplication,subservience that is necessary in order to fall in love with any man.. He is going to want you to be soft enough to at least touch.. soft enough that he is able to melt into you and become a part of your life.. i cant even bear to have a man in my house over night..how for the love of God am i going to be able to allow ANY man to come into my universe? Have i become to self reliant and strong willed?
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