Well Kids... As you all know, I decided a little while back to put on my dating shoes again in an attempt to maybe meet HIM or at least to find a few cool men in the process... It has been one FUNNY and interesting ride.. I think that the title of this installment should really be "DO NOT LET YOUR FRIENDS SET YOU UP ON A BLIND DATE...HE WILL TURN OUT TO BE A 2 FINGERED FREAK" LOL I'm just warning those of you out there who might fall a hapless victim to this TRAP set up by "well meaning" friends determined to see you go out on a date with JESSE---JESS ANYBODY lol because clearly you will DIE of loneliness if u don't step out with a man EVERY night outta the week. It began innocently enough, I was dining out with BFF when I ran into an old friend that i hadn't seen in and absolute age.. After air kisses on both cheeks and the requisite small talk, I could tell by the predatory look in her eye that she was movin in for the proverbial KILL...I would swear that I could hear that horror movie music from Jaws playing in my head.. "Jay, I have been thinking about you a lot these past few days.." "Oh my...wow.. have you now??? and why is that?" I reply.. thinkin in my head "oh shit...this is not gonna be pretty" "Yes I have.... I got a friend that's comin into town this week for a visit, and he's gonna need someone to kinda show him around while i am at work you know?" ...At this point i just fix her with the blank stare and the frozen smile hoping that if i stare hard enough she will disappear or turn into a pillar of SALT.. but no such luck... "Ohh really? That's cool. Company is always so much fun" I say, trying however fruitlessly to steer the convo in another direction.. She throws me a curve ball "Yes, I like to have guests, but the reason that I was thinking about you, is that i remembered that you were single and you would be PERFECT to show my friend around, at least one day... He's so cute and I just figured the 2 of you would hit it off.. (laughingly she throws in) he is JUST your type too"... I immediately think "OMG she GOT me... I feel like I've been bitten but i don't see the blood anywhere " Well Mia, that sounds intriguing, maybe I can help you out,but i know nothing without my book. I'll have to check to make sure I have nothing else going on that day, leave me your number and we will get together okay dear?" She hastily scribbles her number on a napkin and I turn back to my shrimp... BFF and I laugh together about how she put the bite on me to entertain her friend..I get home and wouldn't you know it, this particular week is shaping up to be a SLOW one for sure.. but still I think..well it could be nice to have the rest... just leave it bee and don't book anything i tell myself as i prepare for bed.. Well The weekend flies with a flurry of activity and then Monday comes.. and I realize that after work, the only thing i have planned is going home.. and I'm beginning to feel a bit..restless, but i press on.. After sitting here flipping channels and sipping wine.. I am dialing Mia's number to find out more about her "Friend" "He works for a computer software company, he is a college grad, has a nice house, makes good money, is intelligent and newly single... " all well and good i think,but WHAT does he look like??? "ohh you will love him, he's a shade shorter than you, cocoa complexion, nice body.. and all the other things you like" ---Sigh--- "Okay Mia, give him my number, tell him to call me tomorrow...gotta run..love you.. Bye!" I hang up, and fall asleep. Tuesday arrives, and its a GREAT day all around... I shop a bit, go get a pedicure... and pick up groceries. as i amble to my door, my phone is ringing, with 1000 bags in my hand, I struggle and answer it, its Mr. X . "Hello, is this Jay?" "Yes, yes it is." I like his voice.. we chat.. about everything under the sun including his HATRED of...BEYONCE..which is always a plus in my book.. well we talk and talk and talk.. all the while I'm busying myself around the house.. I even make Potato Salad for a function at the office, and we still talk.. well after speaking for nearly 2 hours, we agree to meet on Friday for dinner and drinks. I get to Friday, and a tiny voice is telling me.. CANCEL...GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN..but if it's one thing that I do not like to do, is to stand someone up. I refuse. So we agreed to meet at 9 pm..not 8:59 not 9:01 but 9 pm.. I have to get a hair cut and get ready and this gives me more than enough time to get myself together. Well he begins texting me at 4:30 "are we meeting up tonight" is the first one that arrives.. I text back "yes"... the next one "do you really want to meet in that area? I mean there are restaurants closer to Mia's place"..."Yes I WANT to meet you in the area i mentioned, i wanted Thai food and the best Thai spot is THERE"....5 minutes pass " Are you SURE?"..."YES" I respond.. 15 minutes pass.."what are you doing?" ...by now I'm getting a little agitated but i respond "Getting my hair washed and cut" ..."WOW..okay.. cool" ....I pay the barber and make sure to tip him generously..and head back to my flat to begin the process... "can i call you" ... I ROLL my eyes and just stare at the phone " I'm still in the barbers chair" I lie.. "what are you wearing tonight so that I will know you when i see you"..."Purple" I lie YET AGAIN.. This is something i learned years ago.. if you ARE gonna subject yourself to a blind date, NEVER tell him what you will have on, make him tell you what he will wear so that when you arrive at the venue if he is UGLY, you can slip away unnoticed! Well he responds with this GEM..."Purple is my favorite color".. I YAWN, and continue getting ready....another 5 minutes pass. My phone vibrates "Are you ready yet?" its only fucking 8:05..I don't respond.. "why aren't u answering?"..I still don't respond...my phone starts to RING!!! This is a CARDINAL sin..dont CALL me if i don't answer your texts.. Well I dont pick up.. finally I am done dressing, its 8:50.. I text back, "I'm leaving" .."okay see u there Mr. Purple"..I'm really wearing RED :-) I down 5 glasses of PoUilly-Fuisse' and newly fortified, I set off. I walk toward the restaurant and he calls "Where are you?".."Excuse me? WHERE ARE YOU?".."I'm out front of the restaurant" Suddenly I see him talking on the phone to me.. And I GASP... but BEFORE I could turn and RUN Away, he sees me, smiles and starts to approach.. " You aren't wearing purple!" I force a very thin smile and say (after a deep swallow and a sigh) I changed my mind.. "Well you are so damn cute, you'd look good in any color"..."I wish I could say the same" I think in my head.. We are seated, and I proceed to have dinner with what can only be described as a pimple ridden modern day Gary Coleman, with a VERY fat ass... (the only good thing I could find on this...LITTLE PERSON). The waitress comes forth, and before she could even open her mouth, I nearly shout.."A VODKA GIMLET for me, and a shot of Stolichnaya... straight".. I say. Hell.. it's gonna take a LOTTA liquid courage to get me through this evening.. he orders a Rum and pineapple. We sit, and talk.. I down the Gimlet, and sip the Stoli.. as the i work on my 3rd drink ( A vodka tonic) the conversation flows and i do my best to not appear as DISGUSTED as I am..... Little Arnold proceeds to tell me about his job and how he has a degree in Computer Information systems, and that he is in town to tie up some loose ends concerning the purchase of a house...OUT IN SANDY SPRINGS (I'm relieved that this... beast will at least be living FAR OUT" I tell him that I am new to Atlanta, enjoy my work and am just enjoying myself. I YAWN purposefully hoping to send a signal as I told him that i had to work in the morning.. He continues to chat AND order 3 different main course dishes from the menu, while I stick to a Cobb Salad.. 3 bites into the salad,and an hour later I tell Arnold that I simply must get home as i cannot hold my eyes open another minute.. He gushes about how much he ENJOYED the evening and how he would NEVER allow his friends to set him up BUT that he is GLAD he did this once.. and tells me that i am quite a catch and he hopes to see more of me when he relocates completely.. ... I smile.. and think... "This MUST BE what Menstrual cramps feel like" He walks over, and gets on his TIPPY TOES.. "OH NOOOOO..No NO NO NOOOO" I think.. Please say hes not.. too late...he IS "This SHRIMP is trying to HUG AND KISS me.. I bend at the waist and give him a limp hug and pull back quickly before he lands one on my lips.. and I stroll away. SIGH.. I get home.. and vow...even in this drunken state.. that as God is my witness..I'LL NEVER BLIND DATE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19 August 2009
Another day.. Another man.. on to the NEXT one
Well Kids... As you all know, I decided a little while back to put on my dating shoes again in an attempt to maybe meet HIM or at least to find a few cool men in the process... It has been one FUNNY and interesting ride.. I think that the title of this installment should really be "DO NOT LET YOUR FRIENDS SET YOU UP ON A BLIND DATE...HE WILL TURN OUT TO BE A 2 FINGERED FREAK" LOL I'm just warning those of you out there who might fall a hapless victim to this TRAP set up by "well meaning" friends determined to see you go out on a date with JESSE---JESS ANYBODY lol because clearly you will DIE of loneliness if u don't step out with a man EVERY night outta the week. It began innocently enough, I was dining out with BFF when I ran into an old friend that i hadn't seen in and absolute age.. After air kisses on both cheeks and the requisite small talk, I could tell by the predatory look in her eye that she was movin in for the proverbial KILL...I would swear that I could hear that horror movie music from Jaws playing in my head.. "Jay, I have been thinking about you a lot these past few days.." "Oh my...wow.. have you now??? and why is that?" I reply.. thinkin in my head "oh shit...this is not gonna be pretty" "Yes I have.... I got a friend that's comin into town this week for a visit, and he's gonna need someone to kinda show him around while i am at work you know?" ...At this point i just fix her with the blank stare and the frozen smile hoping that if i stare hard enough she will disappear or turn into a pillar of SALT.. but no such luck... "Ohh really? That's cool. Company is always so much fun" I say, trying however fruitlessly to steer the convo in another direction.. She throws me a curve ball "Yes, I like to have guests, but the reason that I was thinking about you, is that i remembered that you were single and you would be PERFECT to show my friend around, at least one day... He's so cute and I just figured the 2 of you would hit it off.. (laughingly she throws in) he is JUST your type too"... I immediately think "OMG she GOT me... I feel like I've been bitten but i don't see the blood anywhere " Well Mia, that sounds intriguing, maybe I can help you out,but i know nothing without my book. I'll have to check to make sure I have nothing else going on that day, leave me your number and we will get together okay dear?" She hastily scribbles her number on a napkin and I turn back to my shrimp... BFF and I laugh together about how she put the bite on me to entertain her friend..I get home and wouldn't you know it, this particular week is shaping up to be a SLOW one for sure.. but still I think..well it could be nice to have the rest... just leave it bee and don't book anything i tell myself as i prepare for bed.. Well The weekend flies with a flurry of activity and then Monday comes.. and I realize that after work, the only thing i have planned is going home.. and I'm beginning to feel a bit..restless, but i press on.. After sitting here flipping channels and sipping wine.. I am dialing Mia's number to find out more about her "Friend" "He works for a computer software company, he is a college grad, has a nice house, makes good money, is intelligent and newly single... " all well and good i think,but WHAT does he look like??? "ohh you will love him, he's a shade shorter than you, cocoa complexion, nice body.. and all the other things you like" ---Sigh--- "Okay Mia, give him my number, tell him to call me tomorrow...gotta run..love you.. Bye!" I hang up, and fall asleep. Tuesday arrives, and its a GREAT day all around... I shop a bit, go get a pedicure... and pick up groceries. as i amble to my door, my phone is ringing, with 1000 bags in my hand, I struggle and answer it, its Mr. X . "Hello, is this Jay?" "Yes, yes it is." I like his voice.. we chat.. about everything under the sun including his HATRED of...BEYONCE..which is always a plus in my book.. well we talk and talk and talk.. all the while I'm busying myself around the house.. I even make Potato Salad for a function at the office, and we still talk.. well after speaking for nearly 2 hours, we agree to meet on Friday for dinner and drinks. I get to Friday, and a tiny voice is telling me.. CANCEL...GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN..but if it's one thing that I do not like to do, is to stand someone up. I refuse. So we agreed to meet at 9 pm..not 8:59 not 9:01 but 9 pm.. I have to get a hair cut and get ready and this gives me more than enough time to get myself together. Well he begins texting me at 4:30 "are we meeting up tonight" is the first one that arrives.. I text back "yes"... the next one "do you really want to meet in that area? I mean there are restaurants closer to Mia's place"..."Yes I WANT to meet you in the area i mentioned, i wanted Thai food and the best Thai spot is THERE"....5 minutes pass " Are you SURE?"..."YES" I respond.. 15 minutes pass.."what are you doing?" ...by now I'm getting a little agitated but i respond "Getting my hair washed and cut" ..."WOW..okay.. cool" ....I pay the barber and make sure to tip him generously..and head back to my flat to begin the process... "can i call you" ... I ROLL my eyes and just stare at the phone " I'm still in the barbers chair" I lie.. "what are you wearing tonight so that I will know you when i see you"..."Purple" I lie YET AGAIN.. This is something i learned years ago.. if you ARE gonna subject yourself to a blind date, NEVER tell him what you will have on, make him tell you what he will wear so that when you arrive at the venue if he is UGLY, you can slip away unnoticed! Well he responds with this GEM..."Purple is my favorite color".. I YAWN, and continue getting ready....another 5 minutes pass. My phone vibrates "Are you ready yet?" its only fucking 8:05..I don't respond.. "why aren't u answering?"..I still don't respond...my phone starts to RING!!! This is a CARDINAL sin..dont CALL me if i don't answer your texts.. Well I dont pick up.. finally I am done dressing, its 8:50.. I text back, "I'm leaving" .."okay see u there Mr. Purple"..I'm really wearing RED :-) I down 5 glasses of PoUilly-Fuisse' and newly fortified, I set off. I walk toward the restaurant and he calls "Where are you?".."Excuse me? WHERE ARE YOU?".."I'm out front of the restaurant" Suddenly I see him talking on the phone to me.. And I GASP... but BEFORE I could turn and RUN Away, he sees me, smiles and starts to approach.. " You aren't wearing purple!" I force a very thin smile and say (after a deep swallow and a sigh) I changed my mind.. "Well you are so damn cute, you'd look good in any color"..."I wish I could say the same" I think in my head.. We are seated, and I proceed to have dinner with what can only be described as a pimple ridden modern day Gary Coleman, with a VERY fat ass... (the only good thing I could find on this...LITTLE PERSON). The waitress comes forth, and before she could even open her mouth, I nearly shout.."A VODKA GIMLET for me, and a shot of Stolichnaya... straight".. I say. Hell.. it's gonna take a LOTTA liquid courage to get me through this evening.. he orders a Rum and pineapple. We sit, and talk.. I down the Gimlet, and sip the Stoli.. as the i work on my 3rd drink ( A vodka tonic) the conversation flows and i do my best to not appear as DISGUSTED as I am..... Little Arnold proceeds to tell me about his job and how he has a degree in Computer Information systems, and that he is in town to tie up some loose ends concerning the purchase of a house...OUT IN SANDY SPRINGS (I'm relieved that this... beast will at least be living FAR OUT" I tell him that I am new to Atlanta, enjoy my work and am just enjoying myself. I YAWN purposefully hoping to send a signal as I told him that i had to work in the morning.. He continues to chat AND order 3 different main course dishes from the menu, while I stick to a Cobb Salad.. 3 bites into the salad,and an hour later I tell Arnold that I simply must get home as i cannot hold my eyes open another minute.. He gushes about how much he ENJOYED the evening and how he would NEVER allow his friends to set him up BUT that he is GLAD he did this once.. and tells me that i am quite a catch and he hopes to see more of me when he relocates completely.. ... I smile.. and think... "This MUST BE what Menstrual cramps feel like" He walks over, and gets on his TIPPY TOES.. "OH NOOOOO..No NO NO NOOOO" I think.. Please say hes not.. too late...he IS "This SHRIMP is trying to HUG AND KISS me.. I bend at the waist and give him a limp hug and pull back quickly before he lands one on my lips.. and I stroll away. SIGH.. I get home.. and vow...even in this drunken state.. that as God is my witness..I'LL NEVER BLIND DATE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I want to read this so bad but babe why you put it in such a large paragraph....honey i need u to space it out for me..i wear glasses and i constantly tend to read the same lines over and over.
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