It Began innocently enough, I have always LOVED a drink or two here and there.. nothing major.. I was what one would call a social drinker I'm guessing, for I would only indulge when I had to get ready for the function, or to loosen up prior to the function,to get the feeling flowing... I would maybe have a sip of wine while getting ready, and nurse a single Cosmopolitan..or a later a Vodka & Cranberry, or Gin & Grapefruit juice the entire duration of the function.... just to up the ante and make me a little more social and less inhibited...well then it turned into...*sigh* " I don't want to do these dishes...lemme have a drink,and turn on a few tunes to make this task more fun"... or "It's been a rough day.. let me get a little shot of something while i listen to Phyllis Hyman..so I can unwind"..and still that was all well and good.. but I think the proverbial devil in the bottle got me when it became... "I'm ALL ALONE now.. let me have a little sip of something to help me deal with coming home from this party to an EMPTY house and BED.." and "*sigh* I'm all alone....lemme get me a drink to help deal with this situation"..Well it happened so quickly that now I find myself drinking early in the morning when i am not at the office, late at night after I arrive back at my flat from some inane...meaningless party that i have dragged myself out to in the name of fun, or whenever Jersey does something that i don't like or agree with..I drink whenever I am going to see Jersey and am nervous about being alone with him...Or when I am about to attend whatever function and I need to take the edge off...or when past memories that I have long since stuffed deep deep down in the abyss of days gone by seem to creep up on me... I drink when i am attempting to sort through and find answers for issues and heartbreaks suffered in the past... I drink when I am happy..When I am sad.. I drink because that's what I always thought was glamorous..fun... and all of that... and at this point.. I notice that I do drink daily..from a shot of Gin.. to a few high ball glasses filled with a splash of Captain Morgan's and Coke.. or a nip of Cherry Rum and a few jiggers of Pear Nectar..complete with Grenadine to turn the drink Pink...which is my favorite color..... Kiddies.....I find that I tell myself "JaYLUv u willl NOT have a drink today" and from one second to the next....something happens and... I am in the kitchen.....mixing drinks til I no longer feel whatever it is I was feeling to begin with.. You know in Miss Ross's film Mahogany...there was a song called "Devil In A Bottle"...I have have included some lyrics from this paean...because it seems so APROPO.....PS....shhhhhhh *IM HAVING A DRINK AS I WRITE THIS*...... Have I fallen victim to the DEVIL IN THE BOTTLE?
"In This World
Inside My Head
There's A Devil
In The Bottle
And He Want's
To See Me Dead" -----From the song DEVIL IN THE BOTTLE
so u like diana? wow. well im no diana fan, im the biggest patti labelle fan ever but i do like ur blog and i will be visiting and i am honored to follow such a blog darling.
ReplyDeleteI do think that you will feel even wrse if you continue because even now writing this entry, u were able to recognize u have a problem. you still continue despite this and those that u talk to will not feel sorry for you because you either didn't seek the professional help you may need or you didnt try to stop it early on like now.
ReplyDeleteYou see this is how smoking habits start and drinking problems..you have a drink maybe once a week and you are cool...you move to twice a week without really thinking about it and you are still cool.....you start getting depressed or something bad happens...you have another and another and weeks later no matter how small, if it rattles you...there you go with a glass in hand....just as you said.
Baby we are our own worst critics from the beginning up until the end. It is up to you to change these things and not give yourself ammo to fire at yourself later. It always feels worse when you do it to yourself. You dont want that.
Best Of Luck...Im always here.
I'm missing you has put me in a mood..hmph
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