And If Living For Myself Is What I'm Guilty Of... Go On and Sentence Me..I'll Still Be Free

So I began thinking back over my life the other night, and no matter how much I have tried over the years to pretend that I am so strong, resilient and that I dont need a soul....deep inside there has always been this gnawing need to have the mass love of people..this insecurity when I didnt have that.. then on the other side of the coin even when surrounded by loved ones.. I have always felt a deep seated loneliness and  no amount of love or boyfriends or clothes or parties has ever been able to fill it.... a STRANGE thing.. puzzling to me.

Then one day,I discovered ME. There was once a song that I absolutely craved by a little known artist name Charlene, called "I've Never Been To Me"..this song talks of having all the things in life that one could ever want and being this glamourous chameleon of the world..going from one experience to another but having NEVER been deep inside ones self. Never knowing who you were or being to yourself... and for so many years this is how i felt.. I felt as though I had given joy to so many over the years and in the end I forgot to give joy to MYSELF... I always felt so empty... Then one day I realized that instead of living for others and feeling as though I had nothing and no one to live for.. that I had...MYSELF. I had me.. and that each day that I woke..breathed... labored...that the reason for each action should be ME.. that everything that I did should be in direct proportion with the edification and benefit of ME... As I began to grasp this concept..I began to feel okay with the fact that the phone didn't ring..that when I lay down at night, the right side of the bed was cold and empty, that dinner consisted of Lean Cuisine for one.. that I drank doubles alone nightly.. I started to feel OKAY. And I began to accept that though I was alone, I was no longer lonely.

I then allowed myself to get caught up in Jersey..the idea of happiness as a duo.. and the idea of giving myself to someone-Body and Soul. The idea of not being ALONE anymore.. and each day I found myself needing less of me and needing more him..or more people to fill up the empty spaces. I saw me needing the love of friends when all my life it was NEVER my pattern to run in a clique.. I always sort of hung back and kept to myself. I saw me becoming someone who needed the love and belief of others.. I saw me becoming someone and something that I have never been.

Exit Jersey.. and then what.. I looked at myself.. I felt so despondent. As though someone had turned me inside out and I sat by watching my spirit blowing away. I stumbled for a while.. I drifted... I remember saying to myself.. "Love was all I had to live for" to which I replied......"That's NOT TRUE"

"YOU HAVE YOURSELF". I still had me.. I still had the one man that I knew in life would NEVER disappoint me. The one that would never let me down. The one that would never walk away. I still had Me.I believed in me. I understood me. I loved me. I lived for me. I was solely dedicated to the pleasure and uplififting of me.   No matter who has come and gone from my life.. I have always had ME. Coming to this realization once again, saved my life and renewed my spirit. I have always said that there were only 2 human beings that have love me and from whom I have fed. My Mere.. and ME. ME.. ME... ME..

I have ME. So to this end, I began to cut out of my life anyone that I felt did not share the vision of me as someone that they couldn't live without..They didnt NEED ME. So I write this to tell you beloved that there still is a side of me that is vulnerable and needs your love and support. However even when you don't want to give it. JaYLUv still has himself and what better fan, friend, lover is there than the one that knows you best.. YOU. LOVE YOU..because self love is the best love there is. If your nose is big and has a pimple on the tip....love that nose.. for it is yours.. LOVE YOU.. because at the end of the day.. you need no one but YOU....

Oh...by the way.. a flute of Pouilly -Fuisee' doesn'thurt either :-)

Love to each of you