My Baby... My Own

So the 4th of July holiday is over... and it was quite an experience... I will have to tell you a bit more about this later.. however one of the wonderful things that I had the opportunity to do was assist with the care of my 2 young cousins, who are both 11 and 8. Both boys. I must say that it was something that I who HATE children, never thought that I would ever enjoy. But enjoy it. I did..  I fed them.. entertained them.. dressed them... was basically a surrogate uncle to them. This must have tapped into some part of me that I would have never thought existed, because after dealing with them ALL day Saturday, when I laid my head on my fluffy down pillow to rest, I had a dream that I had children. Suddenly...and quite abruptly I might add.. I woke up.. Startled.. and half in dreamland.. half awake.. I looked around the room expecting to see my "children" somewhere sleeping next to me.. only to discover that.. Well I skipped that day of class.. I don't have any children.. and for one fleeting second.. there was this all consuming feeling of emptiness.. such disappointment.. I do not have any children. I do not have ANY children.. I will never have any children. The joy.. the elation.. the excitement that I felt during that dream.. and in those hazy sleep filled seconds when I woke up looking for my babies..and then the utter aloneness that came when I realized...there were NO babies.

This made me wonder.. do I really want children? Something I sacrificed the ability to possess years ago.. Do I want children? Do I want them because it would give me the opportunity to be to them all that my own father was not and was not able to be to me? Do I want them because I feel that I "SHOULD" have them because that's society tells me I should have? Do I want them because I feel so...sorry for those individuals that die.. and leave no children to even mention in the obituary? Is this ALL there is? Can you be a complete and whole person.. and experience perfect love and fulfillment without ever having children? I once forgot to feed my cat for 3 days when I was a teenager.. and if I couldn't handle that simple task... could I ever have been equipped to take care of something that would demand ALL of me? I think now.. as I look back.. that I made the right decision. but for one split second... I had to question if what I gave up my babies for.. was really worth it....